John Williams quote ✍️

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Dispassionately, reasonably, he contemplated the failutre that his life must appear to be. He had wanted friendship and the closeness of friendship that might hold him in the race of mankind; he had had two friends, one of whom had died senselessly before he was known, the other of whom had now withdrawn so distantly into the ranks of the living that... He had wanted the singleness and the still connective passion of marriage; he had had that, too, and he had not known what to do with it, and it had died. He had wanted love; and he had had love, and had relinquished it, had let it go into the chaos of potentiality. Katherine, he thought. "Katherine." And he had wanted to be a teacher, and he had become one; yet he knew, he had always known, that for most of his life he had been an indifferent one. He had dreamed of a kind of integrity, of a kind of purity that was entire; he had found compromise and the assaulting diversion of triviality. He had conceived wisdom, and at the end of the long years he had found ignorance. And what else? he thought. What else? What did you expect? he asked himself.
John Williams France: Summer 1940 existentialism failure life

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Answer Clues
LIFE 399 clues
SATAN 296 clues
WORK 163 clues
FAILURE 157 clues
WISDOM 134 clues
EXPERIENCE 89 clues
WELFARE 55 clues
LUCIFER 43 clues
EMOTIONS 42 clues
MATURITY 13 clues
TYPHON 10 clues
EXISTENTIALISM 9 clues
Sickness – Sartre’s first novel
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Hint 1 meaning
Seasickness; hence, any similar sickness of the stomach accompanied with a propensity to vomit; qualm; squeamishness of the stomach; loathing.
Hint 2 anagram
AUEANS
Hint 3 another clue
PERPLEXED state
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